The Ugly V Word
Since posting the first couple blogs I have begun to get this peculiar sensation when I'm around people; I don't like it, most people don't. I was trying to explain it to a friend of mine the other day, I kept saying I felt a little paranoid like everyone now knows all my secrets and feelings. But paranoid isn't quite the right word and I couldn't think of anything else to use. Then she said it, "The V Word"... Vulnerable! Imagine my shock when I realized she was exactly right! That was the perfect word to explain my discomfort and I began to realize how much I really don't like even associating myself with that word.
Vulnerable= an adjective meaning 1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded, 2. open to attack or damage.
Neither of these descriptions sound like something I want to be! As a military police member and then juvenile detention officer, I was pretty extensively trained in methods of how to make sure the people and places I protected were not vulnerable. We were also trained on how to protect ourselves, how to not be a weak target or vulnerable. I prided myself in being invulnerable to others by being so emotionally closed off from almost everyone that no one could hurt me. I never once thought there was such a thing as too invulnerable; that in being closed off I was also cut off from family, true friendship, and most of all a true relationship with God. Now I'm beginning to wonder can a person really experience true trust unless they first become at least a little bit vulnerable?
Think this through for a minute. How can any person really trust another unless they show a little bit of their weaker side? True friends know each others strengths and weaknesses, they know what each other likes and dislikes, their past successes and failures. It's really impossible to achieve that kind of relationship unless we open ourselves up; and become vulnerable. Now if this is a necessity to have amongst friends, how much greater is it needed for a good relationship with God? Sure, He already knows everything about us, but I'm just guessing that He likes to hear us tell Him about it as well. Also, maybe He would like to tell us some things from time to time too! That's how relationships work. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not equating God to some cosmic friend in the sky who just wants to hang out. Obviously, He is ultimately so much more than just a friend, but He wants us to know Him, to understand His ways, and He wants us to be open with Him. He wants us to have a relationship with Him; to be vulnerable.
For many years, I cut off my heart to God; and it crippled my relationships with everyone else. Oh, I still loved my family and few close friends but it was the love of a person refusing to fully open up her heart. I now realize that because I had no relationship with God, I was completely incapable of really loving and caring for others, least of all myself. How could I be vulnerable with even a small group of family and friends if I couldn't be vulnerable to my Creator? He is the only One who would never harm my heart and is the only One I could be truly vulnerable to; until I realized that, no earthly relationship could be really possible. I'm so thankful to be where I am now; learning to be vulnerable with God is not easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way! And in doing so, I'm slowly learning to be vulnerable to the people around me. I no longer have to close myself off in order to keep my heart safe; I can now trust God to do that!
Vulnerable= an adjective meaning 1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded, 2. open to attack or damage.
Neither of these descriptions sound like something I want to be! As a military police member and then juvenile detention officer, I was pretty extensively trained in methods of how to make sure the people and places I protected were not vulnerable. We were also trained on how to protect ourselves, how to not be a weak target or vulnerable. I prided myself in being invulnerable to others by being so emotionally closed off from almost everyone that no one could hurt me. I never once thought there was such a thing as too invulnerable; that in being closed off I was also cut off from family, true friendship, and most of all a true relationship with God. Now I'm beginning to wonder can a person really experience true trust unless they first become at least a little bit vulnerable?
Think this through for a minute. How can any person really trust another unless they show a little bit of their weaker side? True friends know each others strengths and weaknesses, they know what each other likes and dislikes, their past successes and failures. It's really impossible to achieve that kind of relationship unless we open ourselves up; and become vulnerable. Now if this is a necessity to have amongst friends, how much greater is it needed for a good relationship with God? Sure, He already knows everything about us, but I'm just guessing that He likes to hear us tell Him about it as well. Also, maybe He would like to tell us some things from time to time too! That's how relationships work. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not equating God to some cosmic friend in the sky who just wants to hang out. Obviously, He is ultimately so much more than just a friend, but He wants us to know Him, to understand His ways, and He wants us to be open with Him. He wants us to have a relationship with Him; to be vulnerable.
For many years, I cut off my heart to God; and it crippled my relationships with everyone else. Oh, I still loved my family and few close friends but it was the love of a person refusing to fully open up her heart. I now realize that because I had no relationship with God, I was completely incapable of really loving and caring for others, least of all myself. How could I be vulnerable with even a small group of family and friends if I couldn't be vulnerable to my Creator? He is the only One who would never harm my heart and is the only One I could be truly vulnerable to; until I realized that, no earthly relationship could be really possible. I'm so thankful to be where I am now; learning to be vulnerable with God is not easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way! And in doing so, I'm slowly learning to be vulnerable to the people around me. I no longer have to close myself off in order to keep my heart safe; I can now trust God to do that!
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