Who Pays the Price?

 I'm coming to the realization that I was never the good guy in my past. I always knew I wasn't the hero, but now I realize I was the villain. I was the person who enjoyed hurting and harming others. I loved to humiliate and break people's minds and bodies. I gave myself over to hatred and I loved it. People always said there would be a price to pay someday but frankly, I thought I would be long dead before then. I thought the price would be hell and I already assumed I was going there.

   No one ever explained that the price might be learning to live with the fact that Jesus paid it. That I could never adequately payback my sins. My "price" was realizing my God did it for me. 1 John 2:2 (TPT), He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for our sins but also the sins of the whole world. Perhaps the price I pay is learning how to walk through the process trusting God will be with me through every step, every memory, every pain of regret.

   I often wonder how Paul learned to let go of his past. Did shame, regret, and humiliation plague him when he thought of how he persecuted Christians? How long did it take before he could think about Stephen's stoning and not feel some bit of self-hatred? The Bible says it took a little while for Christians to accept him (Acts 9:26-28) but I wonder how long it took for him to accept himself?

   Most certainly he did learn how to and the ministry that grew out of one converted Pharisee spread Christianity to most of the known world. It doesn't shock me that Paul was sent to  primarily the gentiles. Who better to spread the Gospel to the "heathens" than a man whose past sins would have shocked even them. Even the gentiles had strict rules and practices for making blood atonement for sins against others. Now here comes a man talking about one Blood Atonement given by Jesus for everyone. A man whose violent past serves as solid proof of Jesus' forgiving power. His testimony of persecution and hatred served to solidify proof of God's redeeming love.

   Well this writing started as one thing and has ended up in a totally different spot. I know that for me, I'm not through this whole process yet. It's still a fight, a daily struggle to hand all of my past over to God. We all have some areas where we are the bad guy; where the blame is solely ours. It's not the same for everybody but it can cripple us and our walk with God if we let it. Will we walk through the storm holding tight to God's hand trusting Him to take us to the other side?

   Do we believe 2 Cor. 5:21 (NIV), "God made him who had no sin to be sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God"? God offers us righteousness for our evil deeds, if we just had them over to Him! Truthfully, my head hasn't fully wrapped around that; but maybe it's not so important for my brain to understand it as it is for my heart to believe it. I can also believe the man who wrote this because he had to live it. Paul knew about God's forgiveness because he had much he was forgiven of. I don't know what the other side of my storm looks like but I do know that God is there because He is right here in it with me now.