August 26, 2018

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."

Ezekiel 36:26

   August 26, 2018. D-Day. Well, for me at least. I had arrived on yet another visit to Kansas City under the guise of going on a road trip with my parents. The reality was I was there to go to World Revival Church again. In the past month after only two services I had been unable to think about really anything else. In Phoenix I had bought Pastor Steve Gray’s book “My Absurd Religion,” secretly and rapidly reading while hiding it from my girlfriend. I had an all-consuming desire to move to Kansas City; I thought of really nothing else. I watched old sermons on YouTube, did streaming whenever possible, and for the first time in decades started to read a Bible. But I was tormented. My life in Phoenix was great - solid job, happy relationship, good friends - yet I was miserable. And that’s why August 25 found me on yet another plane trip to home.
   Then next morning getting ready for church, I remember thinking “This is it. Either this thing is God or it’s simple homesickness. God is either willing to accept me back or He isn’t; either way I can’t live like this anymore.” That desperation drove me back into WRC and even into being able to sit with a friend much closer to the front than I had ever done before. From the first strain of music I felt my heart yearn for more of this God who seemed so close and yet not close enough. Yeah, I grew up in church and I know how people can get all caught up in emotions, but this was so different. For one, I had shut down my emotions for so long that I didn’t even know how to get “swept away” with them. I hadn’t even cried in over a decade so the idea that music was going to push me emotionally is laughable. And two, I was still terrified of the God I remembered; I thought that He was going to send me straight to hell for even thinking I could come back to Him. I felt very much like the prodigal limping back home, waiting for the punishment in hopes that he might have at least a meal too.
   I have no idea what Pastor Steve preached about that morning, I was too busy being excited and simultaneously petrified for the altar call that I knew was coming. I didn’t even know what I was going to tell them when I got up there; thankfully nobody asked me what my prayer request was! Finally the altar was opened and I tried my best to be nonchalant but also not too offish. When a person came to pray for me, I tried so hard to get all the emotional responses right like everyone else I saw around me. I completely failed, but for a brief moment I felt something inside me shift. After that person was done praying I turned to go away from the altar area because I figured that was it, God was done. So I went and stood a bit away, almost behind a wall column, watching prayer but also pretty hidden from most people too. Suddenly there were two women headed, distinctly and
directly towards me. I wasn’t as hidden as I thought!
   Without any introduction or prelude they launched into prayer; they spoke things to me that I had only ever said to myself. This was no gimmick, how could they know things I’ve never breathed to another soul? While they prayed I felt cracks in my heart and soul, little shatters happening all over. It was terrifying and yet it felt so good! As each crack widened it was like my heart could breathe again; my soul was literally coming to life all over again. God swooped into those crevices and began to change me; I became new again and even felt clean for the first time in I couldn’t even remember how long. Life entered me as those women prayed; Life that paid everything for me and didn’t care about my past. When the praying ended, I knew there would be no turning back for me. I had tasted of the Living God and I would never go back.
   So that’s it. That’s the story of the day I died/rebirthed. God revealed Himself to the saddest, most desperate of sinners, and I will never forget the love He showed me then and every day. This last year has been the best, and at times one of the hardest, of my life and I don’t regret a single second of it. I’ve learned that a walk with God is a journey and He loves to spend every second of it with us, with me; that thought still blows my mind. I’ve learned that I don’t need to beat myself for not being perfect; God never asked me to be perfect, He asks me to be willing. Willing to change, willing to be in relationship with Him, willing to trust Him even when I hurt. So there’s no ending here, only a great and beautiful beginning; a journey that Jesus and I walk together forever. Maybe you know what that’s like, maybe you don’t; either way I encourage you to continue/start your journey with Him. You won’t regret it.

Baptism Day!