Sparking Peace

“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of the light…”

Ephesians 5:8

 
“This does not spark joy,” Marie Kondo’s simple phrase has been heard the world over. Until recently, I thought that her decluttering methods were a little silly and not at all necessary. Boy, was I wrong! I was recently urged to doing some decluttering of my room for a class project; I had no idea the intensity of the journey I was about to partake in. I figured I would tidy up some, throw out a few old clothes, and maybe rearrange my living area a bit. I just moved in with my parents in October and all my stuff is in one room, so I had already culled things down quite a bit. I would just do this silly assignment and my room would be a little cleaner, it would be probably the easiest school assignment I’d have all year. I had no idea the fight I was getting into.
   I no sooner stepped into my room with purpose of cleaning it when I was suddenly hit with mental fogginess that I hadn’t had in weeks. I had a hard time remembering what I was supposed to be doing and even how to do simple tasks like go through clothes. I remember being so upset and frustrated because I had just gone through this haziness for almost two months and it was finally leaving, only to return seemingly whenever it wanted! I struggled to go through just my t-shirts and decide which ones to throw out.

   I knew the ones I wanted to get rid of, they were the last of my old identity, angry t-shirts with skulls and harsh sayings. Now I realize words are only words, but there is a power in what you say and wear; so wearing a skull t-shirt that says “I’ll stomp on your a**” or an almost naked Lady Liberty pulling guns from underneath her dress says something about the person you are. And these were fair and accurate depictions of who I was, but not who I am now. But as I pulled them out of drawers into a trash bag, I began to realize that I was truly saying good-bye to another piece of old Heather and I panicked. I couldn’t seem to let them go! I actually had to have a friend take them out to the trash can for me. Once they were gone it was like an almost physical presence lifted; exhausted, I called it a night.
   Two days later I jumped back in the fray. I was feeling quite a bit stronger mentally and decided to start with something easy. My book trunk seemed simple enough; I had already culled through it before I moved so I figured there might be one or two books I might get rid of. Wrong! The one on top of the pile was a lovely little book titled “Madness.” It’s the autobiography of a woman whose mental illness and alcohol addiction destroyed her life. Again, not a bad book per se, but it’s ironic that I had Madness literally sitting at the foot of my bed. Also even weirder is the fact that I was positive I didn’t pack this book; it’s like it crawled its way up from Arizona! Decisively, I chucked it into the trash bag and moved on.
   Next up was my medical records; now I know I can’t just throw them away, but I had put them under my bed. Bad idea. Doctor’s notes of my mental diagnosis and illnesses literally strewn under the place I sleep and in a drawer that is almost the last thing I see at night. I literally laid on and looked at reports that said I would never get better; reports of hospital stays after my suicide attempt were ever visibly present in my room! Obviously I can’t just throw those away, I do need them; but I needed to find a better place to put them. I found a backpack that could fit them, and I also put all my military memorabilia in there as well.
  While I was going through the book bag I found a zipper compartment that had pills from my overdose attempt half a decade ago and money gram receipts from when I was so bad off my parents had to send me money. It was literally a compartment filled with the lowest times of my life just patiently waiting to slap me in the face when I opened it. It’s incredible what just a few bad reminders can do to your mind. I lost myself for at least a few minutes. It took me even longer to remember that that Heather no longer exists; she is gone forever. When I disposed of those items, I began to notice a change in the room. It was like the past was breathing it’s last. Oh sure, I still found things I thought I’d gotten rid of, but the fight was gaining rapidly in my favor.
   As the last stuff made its way out of my room, the very atmosphere changed. Before I went into my room to sleep; that was it. Now it’s so relaxing that I do my homework, writing, and reading in here. Before, even when I went to sleep I routinely had restive sleep or nightmares; now I sleep soundly throughout the night. I know how silly it might sound that a simple declutter made my room a peaceful place, but I’m convinced that releasing those things also released the mental and spiritual clutter too. I have removed the reminders of the ugly parts of my past and now my walls are adorned with only the good. Pictures of friends, positive quotes, Scriptures; things that help make my space an area where I am surrounded by God’s peace and Presence.
   So while the jury is still out on Marie Kondo’s joy theory, I can attest to the fact that a good decluttering will help usher in the peace of God. Removing physical clutter often removes spiritual clutter too; our physical items usually have a spiritual value attached to them. Even stuff that isn’t necessarily “bad” can be unhealthy to have in close proximity to where we sleep. The enemy attacks us all the time; let’s not give him free ammunition to use! I encourage everyone to go through things occasionally and see what sparks spiritual anxiety, fear, anger, or haziness, and then get rid of those things. You’ll be astonished at the peace that sweeps back into your life.