Rewritten and Rebuilt

   The other day my grandma told my mother and I a story of a God experience she had from years ago. She and my grandpa were at a Marriage Encounter weekend that had taken a long time for her to get to. She said it took almost 3 years to be able to go because of my grandpa's work schedule was so erratic. As they got to the retreat she began to experience excruciating pain from an ovarian cyst. Apparently she got these occasionally back then and they were completely debilitating for her. Later that night as she was laying in agony she said the finally snapped and lashed at God saying "I'm here for this retreat, I know You want us to come to it. Why are You letting me be in pain?! I'm so mad at You!" She states as soon as she  said it she felt a little scared, because she was raised to believe you could never talk to God like that. But she stated almost immediately after saying that, she felt God answer her by saying "Well at least you're finally talking to...

   I've been struggling with the idea of change lately. I know that everyone struggles with change, we might not like it or there are some who like it way too much! But I'm not talking about seasons of life, work, or anything like that; I'm talking about the changes that we say happens when Jesus comes into your heart. What do we almost always say to a newly saved person? "Jesus is going to change your life," or "God's going to spin your life around." But does He really? Is everything suddenly, Bam! perfect in that person's world? I highly doubt that. In fact in many cases, turning one's life over to God, makes life harder and in some parts of the world, downright dangerous. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doubting a salvation experience nor am I saying that change doesn't occur. I just feel that sometimes we might cheapen the journey with God by expecting Him to instantaneously change us. I also wonder if at times we want Him to chan...

   I like to post about things that I am learning about or gaining a deeper understanding of; this next topic is most definitely one that I want to avoid. Forgiveness-ugh, I still kind of choke on the word! For years it was a word that I scorned as something only weak people did. I prided myself on holding onto grudges, bearing ill will towards those who had hurt me, and trusting very few people. And all the while I couldn't see that the wall I had built to protect me was slowly killing me. When I got saved I thought, " Jesus has forgiven me of my sins. Yay! That's all the forgiveness I need to worry about." I can hear you laughing! Well no I can't but I know that a few of you are doing it. Recently it seems like forgiveness is everywhere I turn! From sermons to my daily Bible readings; I'm thickheaded at times but I'm getting the message. Forgiveness is clearly something I'm still learning about.    To understand forgiveness, I looked up it's def...

   Almost any person who went to Sunday School as a kid can remember the song, The Joy of the Lord. You know which one I mean; it ends with doing that slightly psychotic hahahahahahaha-haha thing at the end. It's supposed to simulate laughter but when we all do it we sound like bored robots. Lately I've been pondering what the joy of the Lord really means and I feel like that song really diminishes the truth of real joy. Plus, I just wanted it stuck in your head like it's been stuck in mine!    First I had to figure out where the idea actually came from, like was the phrase "the joy of the Lord, is my strength" an actual verse or just some cutesy phrase that Christianity can be known for making up. Turns out it is an actual verse! Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” -Nehemiah 8:10(NIV). This one ti...

   It happened again. The first thing I saw when Yahoo popped up, "Gunman kills 12 in horrific mass shooting." Another shooting, heartbreak, and a series of countless rounds of asking why before moving on. We have the routine down by now, heck some even just look at the numbers killed and wounded, shrug and say, "Eh that's not so bad, only 12 this time." That's even slipped through my mind before. But not today; today it hit me like it was the first time I've heard of this type of thing. Why? I wondered that myself before the very obvious reason hit me. I'm not the same person I used to be. That person who used to calculate how many and who died before feeling only anger and rage is not in control of me anymore. Instead I am feeling true emotions again, anger yes, but so much more than just that. Just yesterday I struggled with the idea that I could really be saved, that maybe God really couldn't change me. Today as I sit here and cry, I realize ...

   Have you ever noticed that when you try to change something there is an almost immediate backlash? It could be appearance, clothing, makeup etc doesn't matter someone says something slight rude or just mean. But when God begins to change our lives, ways of thinking, or anything of that nature; many times our biggest opponents are ourselves. Why is that? What I have been noticing lately with myself is that I'm not afraid to let God make me into someone new so much as I'm afraid to let the old me go.    The biggest reason is, however unhealthy and harmful my mental patterns are; they are familiar. My thought patterns might not be good but I know them. I know (mostly) how they work and where they lead even if I don't know how to stop  them. If I let God work them out, what will I become? Even if it's better and healthier than my brain is now, it is still unfamiliar. And what if I find that some of it never changes? The uncertainty of it is probably my biggest f...